6 Pros and Cons of Playing Hard to Get

We’ve all seen the classic strategy of playing hard to get in action. Here are some pros and cons of the approach.

Source: Disney Pixar/Mattel

Thanks to Vine videos, Facebook is seeing a lot more video ads coming through. One of the ads that caught my attention recently was a video entitled “How To Get The Girl”. The video linked to an external page with another video (like a Babushka doll of ads) where these two guys proceeded to talk about the reason why many guys don’t get the girl.

They went on to talk about the typical “nice guy” approach, and how most guys approach relationships wanting to give a girl security and confidence in their interest. They went on to suggest that instead guys should put girls through something they called “The Scrambler”, which from my gathering of what they were saying, is essentially where you act a lot more coy and a lot more indirect in your approach. This in turn makes her think about you, and makes the girl fall in love with you.

It’s not a new idea. For decades it seems the saying “treat them mean, keep them keen” has been given legs and thrown around.

A less extreme extension of the idea is that of “playing hard to get”.

This is a strategy that both men and women implement, although it seems like it has more prominence as a female strategy. That said, I have seen a lot of guys act the same ways, and a lot of women are increasingly running into this strategy in effect.

You know what it looks like. Acting disinterested or busy. Short, terse responses that only come a few days after their message. Not calling back. Wearing certain clothing and playing more on the non-verbals. The appearance of being disinterested while actually maybe considering the offer on hand.

Personally, I’m not 100% sure on what to say on the strategy. I can’t lock it down and give a 100% certain, definitive statement on whether or not playing hard to get is the right thing to do. So using my little programming mind which enjoys to consider all the facets of something, I thought I would have a look at 6 pros and cons (3 each) of this approach.

Here we go!

Pro #1: It does actually get some results

*Sigh*. My personal disposition to the strategy of playing hard to get is that it probably isn’t the best way to approach things. I wouldn’t be alone in this view – a lot of people don’t like seeing men or women play this game with their potential love interest.

But darn it, it gets results.

Call it game, call it swagger, call it whatever you will, the indirect and sometimes non-committal approach has had success in getting someone to fall in love with you. If it didn’t, this strategy would not still be advertised or as talked about as it still is today.

I was watching some old episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (classic), and Vivian (the mother) was talking to her eldest daughter Hilary about this guy she had fallen in love with. She had never liked him, but then he started dating someone. All of a sudden, she comes out and says, “I’m in love with Jazz”. Vivian makes a comment that forbidden fruit always appears the sweetest.

And perhaps this is why this strategy works. If someone says “don’t touch”, what do we do? We didn’t really care about it before, but now that someone has said don’t do it, we get intrigued.

Perhaps it is an element of the fall or some other psychological phenomenon, but playing hard to get has produced significant results.

Con #1: The other person doesn’t always take the bait

But what about when it doesn’t work?

What happens when you take a long time to reply to messages, don’t turn up on time, pretend to be flirting with other girls or guys, and the person you’re interested in doesn’t see that you’re trying to send a message to them?

And all you’re left with then is the people you’re flirting with getting the wrong idea, or someone completely dropping any potential interest they had in you whatsoever.

I’m not sure where the line is here that makes this strategy succeed sometimes and fail at other times. I would probably say playing hard to get gets less results than the direct approach, and maybe you’ve seen that happen in your life too. Perhaps you were the one playing hard to get for someone who didn’t bite, or maybe you were chasing someone who started playing this game with you, and you didn’t bite.

Wherever the line is, playing hard to get is not a fail-proof strategy for relationships.

Pro #2: It invites more of a chase

I was struggling to think of another two pros to the strategy of playing hard to get, but what I would definitely observe is that it does invite more of a chase. Some of the best (and worst) advice given by fathers, mothers, and many other people is not to accept someone’s first no as a no, but as an invitation to try harder.

Boy oh boy, how this one has bitten us before.

But it has also resulted in a number of people upping their game and producing a more strategic, romantic approach.

And usually the game of playing hard to get is put into effect to create more of a chase. When you don’t want someone to just be able to get you and find you out and build romance with you right away, but by revealing yourself in parts, things are kept interesting. Of course, a lot of people start from “less romantic” and work their way up to include more romance as the relationship develops, but this is a way to get those results a bit quicker I guess.

Con #2: You are telling the person the opposite message

However…

Perhaps the biggest problem I see with the approach of hard to get is that you are actually sending all the same signals as someone who is not interested. Playing hard to get can often turn into playing too hard to get.

I can remember talking to a female friend once who was asking how she could communicate to a guy she was interested in him. She said she had been ignoring him, leaving conversations he was in because she was shy and not wanting to appear too desperate, and not returning his messages because she wanted to play a bit hard to get to garner interest.

I asked her what she would do to someone who was a stalker. She said she would ignore him, leave conversations he was in, not return his messages…

“OH!!! He thinks I’m not interested!”

True that.

People don’t always hear what you mean, they hear what you say. They don’t always know that you’re sending a sign. They don’t realize that you not picking up the phone when they call is you trying to garner chase, they think you don’t want to talk to them. They don’t always think that you’re saying “no” because you secretly want a bigger date with some more trinkets on it for your first/second/third date, they think there’s nothing there.

And in reality, playing hard to get can actually look exactly the same as someone who is disinterested.

Which isn’t a problem if you’re not interested. But if you are, then it’s the opposite of what you want to happen.

And perhaps for this reason many people don’t take the bait. Perhaps for this reason, this strategy is not entirely wise or a good foundation to build a long-term relationship. If you started your relationship by playing games with each other, then it sets a precedent of playing games in the rest of your relationship.

Pro #3: It increases the amount of time taken to get to know each other

But if you’re not playing too hard to get, but still giving enough of a clear hint, then something that definitely benefits your journey together is the increase in the amount of time your relationship has to develop. I think the best marriages are made of great friendships. Most of the marriage books I’ve read, the seminars I’ve been to, even the commentaries I’ve seen, they all suggest that friendship is a core ingredient in a good marriage. Friendship that turns into affection is often the strongest form of love that humans can direct at each other.

And if anything, maybe slowing things down allows your friendship to become stronger without the distractions of romance straight up. Or in other words, “taking it slow”.

Con #3: Games can leave people unnecessarily hurt or confused

TD Jakes was conducting a seminar based on his 30 years of marriage counseling experience. He spoke of couples who, in their dating relationship and even into their marriage relationship, were always playing games with each other. His closing thought on this part of his seminar was that “The only problem with that is that marriage isn’t for kids”.

I guess with a lot of dating that occurs in people’s late teens, 20s, 30s, even to older age brackets, a lot of the strategies and techniques and approaches people take are akin to the same approaches they would take in high school. Still “he said she said”. Still the texts that say “haha” instead of “hehe” which means something different and they should be able to work that out. Still looking at your watch and it means you’re sending him a message. Still liking her photos on Facebook and you never like girls’ photos on Facebook, so that should be an obvious signal without you saying any words. Still saying no when we mean yes, or saying yes when we mean no.

And as a result, many people have been hurt in the game of hard to get.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could be that little bit more honest in all our relationships? Not even just in dating, but in friendships, in family, in relationship with God, that our words and our actions weren’t roundabout or confusing attempts to communicate a cryptic message, but rather invitational and designed to build trust and strong foundations. I love how Scripture poses the question, “How can two walk hand in hand together unless they are in agreement?” And I think that if the message you are sending or receiving isn’t clear, it makes it that much harder to agree with someone.

Or once again, letting your yes be yes and your no be no.

But that’s just me. Like I said at the start, no one has all the answers on this topic. Playing hard to get does work sometimes, and doesn’t work other times. Whether or not it is a valid consideration in dating at all is also up for debate.

So I’ll turn it over to you. What are your thoughts on playing hard to get?

Happy reading!

credit: walkingtheshoreline.com

How To Make The Most Of Your Money

All of us are looking how to grow and enjoy our wealth. Here is the secret to how to make the most of your money.

I recently attending an investors conference with a few friends. It was mainly tailored towards property investing, but also talked a bit about negotiating the share market. As the old adage goes, you don’t get wealthy by saving, you get wealthy by investing, so I was interested to go along and learn some more strategies for developing wealth. In the next 5 or so years, this is more of a personal priority for me going forward.

No matter your income or education, I think it would be safe to say that all of us would like to make the most of our finances. If we’re in debt, we’re looking to get out of it. If we’re doing okay with our monthly budgeting, we’re looking at saving more. If our savings are good, we’re looking to grow and develop a portfolio. If we have a working portfolio, we are trying to supplement or replace our income. If you’ve already done that, then you are probably the guy or the girl everyone wants to take lessons from.

Money really does make the world go round, and all of us are looking to do better by it and have it do better by us.

One of the many things that King Solomon said about money was that both wealth and the capacity to enjoy it are gifts from God. A lot of us kind of wish we would have more of the former to play around with.

So before revealing what I think is the greatest secret to making the most of our money, it may be worth tackling these two elements first.

How much you have – your wealth

We place a lot of our value in the number of digits in our salary and the amount of zeroes we have at the end of our bank balance. Most of our lives are framed around the quest for wealth. We all try to get a good education. Why? So we can get a good job. Why? So we can pay the bills and live comfortable lives and all the rest of it. We have a predisposition towards growing our finances.

And I guess in some ways, our value of ourselves and of others is very finance-oriented.

Look at the various lists Forbes publishes, for instance. All the regular updates to the Richest lists that change every year. Examining what Trump is up to in the next few months so we can learn some ideas for ourselves. Or how about the Fortune 500 – we have a list of the top 500 companies in the world based on the criteria of their financial success. We talk about people’s net worth and are always interested in the asset base people have.

Another thing King Solomon said was that a rich man’s security lies in his wealth. It is very true that when you have quite a lot, you find some comfort in it. You nestle into your lifestyle.

But I think a good reality check in the realm of finances is that no matter how much you earn, if you are reading this article on a computer or a smartphone, you fall into the category of the rich.

I read once in the last 5 years that if you earn over $37000US a year, it puts you in the top 4% of income earners in the world. A significant portion of the world still live on less than $1 US a day.

And here we are with our 5 smartphones, two airconditioners, double garage, our cars and bikes, our movie collections, our cable subscription, our bookcases, our full wardrobes and our takeout food, complaining about how little we have.

Perhaps we should recognize that we are much better off than we complain about.

How much you enjoy it – contentment

This is where the second dimension comes in. Sure, you can have money, but if you don’t enjoy it, it’s a bit of a curse.

People spend their whole lives climbing the corporate ladder as their sole focus in life, only to find the ladder was leaning against the wrong building.

People accumulate masses of wealth living what looks like the life of luxury, but not fully enjoying it.

You don’t need to look any further oftentimes than your own life. Are there any purchases you have made this week that you didn’t enjoy as much as you planned to? You bought some product that was advertised to make you happy or make your life better, and it really didn’t do that at all?

I look sometimes at the crazy lives of luxury that celebrities live. And yet every single day, another celebrity has killed themselves or have gone on some drug overdose. If money brought happiness by itself, surely they wouldn’t be so depressed.

These people we mentioned who earn less than $1 a day – sometimes we look on on their lives and wonder how they could live like that.

And yet there are so many people who live at that level who are abounding in happiness. Grateful for what they have. Making the most of what’s in their hands.

So we find ourselves looking to bring these two ends together – the wealth and the contentment.

And here’s the secret.

How much you give away – generosity

Jesus said it is more blessed to give than to receive. And we all know this in our heads. We teach this to our kids. We regularly use this expression in our day-to-day.

But how do we live it out?

Most of us get so distracted in our own thing that we become hoarders of wealth. We have collections of things we don’t care about, we build our own empires, we further our own causes.

And yet the real secret to truly enjoying wealth is found in using it to bless others.

I’m always inspired by Bill and Melinda Gates and what they do with the Gates Foundation. Most people remember Bill from his days at Microsoft (and some people think he’s still the boss all these years later), yet in 2006, he moved into full-time involvement in his charity. In a world where it is so easy to just buy everything you want and remain internally focused, they have taking their massive wealth and been able to help thousands of people every year through their various projects.

They are not the only millionaires who have done so. In his book, “Wisdom of Wealthy Achievers”, Phil Baker references a survey of 100 millionaires that examined their commonalities. They all came from different cultural backgrounds, worked in different fields, and had different lifestyles. At the end of the day, one of the only common traits between the people they interviewed was that they all gave significant percentages of their income away to noble causes.

And personally, I know many great men and women who have developed extremely strong personal wealth and businesses, and are regularly making significant donations or even providing full funding for some great missions and charity-related causes.

I think it is absolutely great for people to make money, and lots of it. If you are talented in the realms of business or investing or however else you generate income, I think you should by all means go for it.I also think it’s great that you can spoil yourself a bit and enjoy the fruit of your labour. I have no problem with people having multiple cars or a house they enjoy or any of those things.

But what an even greater blessing to be able to enjoy your wealth by recognizing its ultimate purpose.

And there is no greater way to enjoy your wealth than being able to use it to bless others.

Generosity doesn’t require you to have lots of money before you implement it. It is a habit that starts small and can lead you into greater things. If you are faithful in little, you will be faithful in much.

This is a paradigm shift in our thinking. No longer is our wealth and our work and our striving only for ourselves, but it finds its proper context in being used to bless others.

When was the last time you took your wealth and did something generous with it? It doesn’t even have to be that you donated $2 million to charity this year. It could be that you bought a friend dinner one night every week or so and just blessed them with it. It could be buying coffees for the people in the office during a particularly stressful day. Maybe it’s supporting mission work, or sponsoring a child. Maybe it’s even spoiling your wife once in a while with a good night out. Maybe it’s building and maintaining your wealth so that your kids will have a better start than you did.

Generosity has so many different facets, and it is definitely a topic that is regularly revisited here on the site. We can be generous with our words, our time, our efforts and our attention. But so often we use those as a complete substitute for also being generous with our wealth.

So in summary, how do you make the most of your money? I truly believe it lies in recognizing that wealth is not all about you, but that you and I are blessed to be a blessing. And when we live our lives like that, no longer are we so plagued by empty purchases or fruitless effort, but we can truly find joy in our work and wealth in making it largely about others.

Oh yeah, and don’t feel too bad about showing yourself some generosity from time to time.

What are your thoughts on the topic of generosity? What are some other ways to make the most of your money?

Credit: walkingtheshoreline.com

Women and Submission – What Exactly Does It Mean?

When it comes to the topic of women and submission in marriage, few things bring up more angst and uncertainty. Just what exactly does submission mean?

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When I think of the word “submission”, a few things come to mind. I think of when I have an assignment, a project proposal or a new software version due and I need to make a submission. In sport you can think of wrestling or MMA where an opponent can be defeated by a submission hold. You may even think of a smaller objective in a game or novel.

Since its the start of spring and love is in the air (good luck getting that song out of your head while reading this), there’s no better time to talk about relationships. And in the realm of relationship, submission is one of those words that stirs a lot of emotion.

Now before you assume because a man is writing this that I’m going to present a sexist case belittling women, my intention is that nothing would be further from the truth. What I would like to do, however, is present a realistic and open look at the issue. I implore you to give this a proper and an open read.

At its highest level, I would say submission is about one of men’s greatest needs being for respect, but there’s more to it than that. So let’s dive in.

Why It’s A Difficult Topic

I would like to open by examining why exactly the topic of submission is met with such hostility and even anger. I would have to say without a doubt that this would be due to the unfortunate prevalence of abuse in relationships, whether emotionally or physically. There are men who, because they are “the head of this house” and because “you just need to submit to my leadership”, they feel entitled to beat their wives senseless or to completely dominate or cut off her opinions.

I would say that women who have been through such circumstances may have an excellent case against the concept of submission. A lot of women have opened their hearts and lives and attitudes to trust and reverence their husband in a noble sense, but have been met with completely the wrong behaviour on account of men who should know better.

The other big area why submission is a difficult topic is because of the awareness and work towards equal rights. Where women have historically been unable to vote, to work, or to be respected in their career, much work has been done in ensuring women are empowered and free. As such, submission doesn’t seem to make much sense to modern relationships and seems to be regressing what has been seen to be great progress (and it has been great progress).

You can already see the diversity of the issues affecting this topic, and perhaps already even a surface analysis of those issues is enough to get the blood pumping. But let’s take a closer look at what this idea actually means.

Where It Comes From

The notion of women submitting to their husbands in marriage is present in numerous sources, but perhaps the most notable is the Christian Bible. It is brought up two main times in a New Testament setting, both in Ephesians and 1 Peter, specifically telling women that they should submit to and respect their husbands. Another passage states that we should be in submission to each other in addition to this idea.

Perhaps Scripture is seen as being outdated in its notion of gender roles within marriage. All sorts of comments could be made about complimentarian vs. egalitarian views of ministry and relationship, but what is clear is that Scripture is suggesting that men and women operate best under different roles in their relationship. I know that statement alone is enough to be offensive in a modern setting, but perhaps its worth considering the full picture of what is being suggested.

An interesting thought that has been put forward is that in a dance, you can’t have two leaders. It is very difficult to sustain long term movement together if two people are constantly trying to take leading steps – it usually means you step all over each other and don’t move cohesively.

This does not mean that both people can’t lead in different areas or at different times. Reality is that the man and the woman in the relationship may be better at different things in different relationships. She may be better with money, and he might be better at earning it. Or vice versa. He might be better at cleaning the house, and she might be better at cooking. In this context, I don’t think the idea of submission is violated. But in some cases, two equally strong points of view may be put forward, and in these cases, someone has to make the final call.

But perhaps where a lot of relationships suffer is when there is a spirit which criticizes, undermines, or doubts the involvement of the man in the relationship. Where his opinions and views and decisions are belittled or looked over, and he is not allowed to be the man that a lot of women want to follow. He needs your permission to make the right decisions.

And I will say as well that there’s something innate in a man that calls him towards leadership. Men are wired for it. They have perspectives and attitudes that are so valuable towards a relationship, and many men thrive when they are given the title “man of the house”. That’s means it’s his to protect, to look after, and to provide his guidance where he can.

The Role of Men

I think submission is more fully understood in also considering the expectations of men in their relationship. It would be very easy to just consider what is being said to women and for men to neglect to acknowledge exactly what is being asked of them in return. And it’s this:

Husbands, love your wives like Christ loves the church.

So that begs the question, how does Christ love the church?

Well, for starters, He doesn’t dominate it. You don’t see Jesus coming into lives and kicking down doors. One who was considered so powerful and professes to have created all things comes bearing the vulnerable statement, “Choose me”. He is the perfect gentleman. He won’t force His way in, and will only move on certain things with your permission to do so. He’ll initiate, but it’s left to her to decide if she wants to continue down that path.

He cherishes her. He loves her. He can’t stop thinking about her. Everything He does isn’t just in His interest, it is also in hers.

He is committed to her even when she’s in a mood. Even when she makes the wrong decisions. Even if she is being completely unappreciative and bitter. He is still there to provide support. He doesn’t start demanding His rights.

He laid aside divinity to make her beautiful. He committed his course to investing in her and bringing the best out of her.

Uh, hello, He died for her. Are we getting the picture yet?

I think every man, before he starts demanding respect and submission, should give his full attention to being a man like that. Be a man that a woman is proud to follow. Be the man who provides safety to the woman in his life. Who gives her every reason to trust him. Who doesn’t belittle her opinions, but fully invites her participation and her own leadership and maximizing who she is and what she’s called to do.

I think most women would feel that they could follow a man like that anywhere. I love Matthew Henry’s commentary on Genesis to this end:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.

The Challenge To Women

Doctor Emerson Eggerichs wrote an interesting thought given this challenge to men. He said that many women would expect, or at least desire, men to love them like this unconditionally. That in all seasons, he would be a support and an understanding pillar – a man who loves her to no end.

But he said it was interesting that we don’t expect the same from women. And one of his main cases in his book Love and Respect is that in the same way men are expected to love their wives unconditionally, he puts forward that wives should endeavour to respect their husbands unconditionally.

You know, a lot of times us men can make the wrong decisions. We can make dumb decisions with the best of intentions, and can make even worse ones when our intentions aren’t the best. We aren’t always sure what’s going on, but many of us endeavour to do our best given our lot in life.

And if you chose him to be that man in your life who you call your husband, the father of your children, or maybe even a man you are considering heading down that direction with, or maybe you haven’t even decided on who you’d explore that idea with yet, a lifestyle of unconditional respect is a great way to bring out the full potential in a relationship.

Men thrive when given the opportunity to do so. He is capable. He is strong. He carries a lot for you and his family. And even when he isn’t, submission in my mind is deciding to respect him anyway.

And what a picture that is. A man who unconditionally loves his wife, giving her his best regardless of what she does, met with a woman who unconditionally respects her man, deferring to him where relevant and bringing out his best, regardless of what he does.

That, my friends, is what submission should be. Or at least what I believe. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the boxes below. This is a massive topic with lots of moving parts, and whether you agree or disagree completely, it would be great to hear from you so we can all learn together.

Don’t forget you can Follow on Facebook and share these around with your friends! Check out some of the other posts if you haven’t already. Happy Spring!

Credit: walkingtheshoreline.com

The Loneliness of Leadership

How can you be surrounded by people, and yet feel so alone? This one goes out to anyone who has faced the loneliness of leadership.

An amazing sculpture I received from speaking at an APA Brisbane VBS last year

There are a number of oxymorons in our world. A friend pointed out to me last night when I mentioned I wanted to write this post that oxymoron itself is an oxymoron (a sharp dumb thing). Another one in my mind is being an unloving parent – I don’t understand how those two terms go together. Or how about an “unforgiving Christian” – how can someone’s whose worldview is founded on being forgiven, be unforgiving?

For me, one of the biggest ones that seems to make no sense is the notion of a lonely leader. But unfortunately, this is the reality of a lot of people who are in positions of influence.

They say it’s lonely at the top. And “they” in this case are the ones at the top. Doesn’t matter what capacity of leadership you serve in, it’s not uncommon for the greatest servants of others to feel ignored and unseen. I know there have certainly been times in my life where I’ve seen this happen in a variety of settings (see Confessions of An Average Guy if you want more specifics). So I know what a real struggle it can be to want to continue in what you believe you’re called to do, but so stricken with loneliness and an overwhelming feeling that no one seems to be caring for the person who is caring for everyone else.

And so dear friend, I address this to you. As a leader in whatever capacity you exist – be it as a parent, as a CEO, as a church leader, as a volunteer, or wherever else you find yourself. Here are some thoughts on how to deal with the loneliness of leadership.

You are not the only one who has felt that way

I guess one of the most relieving thoughts is that you aren’t the only one to feel confused as to why there are so many people in your world, but you feel so alone sometimes. Why you are continually surrounded by others, but feeling unnoticed or uncared for.

I look through Scripture and I see leader after leader who went through that sensation – kings like David and Solomon, prophets like Elijah and Jesus, pastors like Paul and Peter. And I look through the people I have known and do know today and take comfort in knowing I’m not crazy for having felt that way at times.

So don’t beat yourself to death with condemnation or guilt or shame. You aren’t the only one who’s felt that way, and you won’t  be the last.

You are not the only one going through what you’re going through

I mentioned Elijah before. He’s a leader whose experience has really helped me out when I’ve gone through hard times of feeling isolated. After experiencing one of the greatest victories he would ever face in his life in defeating 850 prophets of the gods Baal and Asherah, the spirit of the Queen Jezebel instilled fear into his and threatened to kill him. Elijah ran for his life to the desert. He hid under a mountain to protect himself.

The voice of God came to Elijah: “Elijah, what are you doing here?”. Elijah answers and says that he has been persecuted for doing the right thing, for representing God when no one else was, and for standing alone when no one else would. “I’m the only one!” he tells God. God comes to a second time with the same question after he’s had a bit of a rest, and asks Elijah: “What are you doing here?”. Again Elijah says, as we usually do:

I’m the only one

And man, what a horrible feeling that can be. Can you relate? Perhaps this is the reason you are facing frustration currently in your leadership. The words of God that come to Elijah afterwards are so comforting: “You’re not the only one, Elijah, there are 7000 other prophets who have not bowed to Baal or Asherah”.

I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do know this – that you and I can take comfort in knowing that we’re not alone in what we’re going through.

These first two are encouragements in what you’re facing. In the remainder, I’d like to address some practical ways to deal with the loneliness we face.

How much do you let people in?

So as leaders, our quandary is that we are surrounded by people, but no one knows who we are or how we’re really doing. It could be easy to blame everyone else for not seeing what’s going on with us.

But as leaders, we are often so guarded in how much we let others in.

And that can be for good reason. As the one who is supposed to be the strong or wise one in certain situations, we can’t always be dumping our gear on those we are serving.

But you get so used to acting like that that you act like that around everybody. You have a mask that you wear in the name of your “leadership” and the nobility of your heart or whatever reasons we use to justify the fact that we don’t let people get close.

It’s not up to others to come in with the battering ram to knock down the established walls we’ve put around our heart and mind and issues and pain and who we really are. It’s our job to simply open the door.

If you feel like no one knows who you really are… maybe you haven’t actually let anyone in.

And as you would so commonly communicate to others that you lead, you can’t really help them if they’re not willing to open up to you. You are the same, my friend. You and I need to let the walls down and let the real us shine and show in the right contexts. Don’t be afraid to do that.

You do so much for others – let others do the same for you.

Tell your oversight/support

We live in a very fortunate day and age where we have a lot of very well established support systems around our hierarchies. Most people in organizations, churches, corporations, wherever it is, have one or more “Direct Reports”, or people we report to, most organizations have a management team, and most leaders have ample opportunities to be around other leaders.

What we tend to do when we’re facing hard times is to blame our oversights or “apparent support” for not knowing or caring that we’re doing well.

…But have you told them?

It’s very easy to blame someone for something they don’t know about. And if you haven’t opened that line of communication, you’re the one keeping it a secret. You and I are responsible for our own well being at the end of the day. As my senior pastor said very well a few weeks ago, “My spirit is my responsibility”.

Have you told your leaders how you’re doing? If you’re the head honcho, have you told your board of directors? If you’re on a team, have you told someone on the team? Or are you just keeping up appearances and leading out of pretense rather than genuine openness? Have you told your wife? Or your husband? There’s a reason they committed themselves to you.

You blowing up and burning out is not worth the petty reasons why we keep things to ourselves.

Build your friendships

I always talk about this point. John Maxwell always talks about the Law of the Inner Circle in all his leadership material, and he’s so on point about it. You need people in your life who are with you because of who you are, not just because of what you do.

If you were to quit leadership tomorrow, shut shop and go home… who would you still have in your life who would stick by you?

If you can’t answer that question with any sense of confidence, it may be time to really reach out and build those close friendships again. We were made for each other. We need others in our lives. I always laugh that Adam was in the Garden of Eden with God, but the answer for Adam’s loneliness (that God identified, there’s no record about him flagging that) was to send him a person.

That’s often how God answers our prayers – through people. But if we’re so isolated and clenched up, we may miss the fact that maybe the help we have been begging and pleading for has come knocking on our door, and we in our spiritual piety may be missing it.

This is quite a challenge for people, and I wrote a post a while ago called 7 Ways To Make Better Friends that you may find helpful if you’re looking to improve this area of this life, but maybe not entirely sure how.

In summary, I would just like to remind you that what you do for others is amazing. Remarkable. You’re gifted for it. And so many people are blessed to have you in their life. No matter what capacity you serve in, I hope you find that in that loneliness, that you aren’t truly alone.

“He took on all my loneliness so I would never have to feel His”

Don’t forget to share this with anyone you think may find this helpful. You never know what a small prompt can do to help the leaders around us.

Credit: walkingtheshoreline.com

7 Underrated Qualities in a Man

There are some things as guys we sometimes don’t value enough. Here are 7 underrated qualities in a man.

Source: Touchstone Pictures

I recently wrote the post 7 Underrated Attractive Qualities in a Woman, and it went somewhat viral pretty fast. It was written to celebrate some of the qualities in our girls that sometimes don’t get the air time or the appreciation they deserve, such as grace and compassion. Some people messaged me to say it was comforting to know that those characteristics were something noticed and celebrated by a lot of men, and that they would like me to write the accompanying article about those qualities in men.

I initially had planned not to do that – being a man, I’m not sure I’m entirely suited to writing a post about what makes a man attractive. However, it did get me thinking about those qualities that sometimes we as men take for granted in ourselves. That, and a lot of people asked me to write this one. Those qualities in us that sometimes we sell ourselves short on, and fail to give proper recognition to.

I know and respect a lot of the men in my world. They truly are a blessing to me, to their workplace, to their wives and kids, to their girlfriends, to their church, to their families and friends. And I see sometimes the struggle they go through when sometimes their greatest qualities come under fire and they begin to doubt themselves.

So this one is a similar celebration on the qualities in men that often go unnoticed, underappreciated, or that sometimes we as guys feel aren’t worth the effort. But it is these very qualities that are so valuable and worth encouraging. Here are 7 underrated qualities in a man.

#1: Being a man of your word

Sometimes being a man of your word costs you. It can cost you a lot. Following through on commitments you’ve made when the unexpected comes up in life can be quite a challenge. And yet so many men I know and respect are men who do precisely that.

When some people think about the men they’ve known in their life, they instantly associate the thought with failed commitment and empty promises. Sometimes they see nothing but disappointment when they remember their earlier years, or even their more recent ones. And yet there is something so powerful about men who stick around and do precisely the opposite.

I guess a lot of us can feel very disenchanted when we think that being a man of your word should be more appreciated than it is, that people should value the personal cost it is to you more than they do. I would say that we should continue to follow through regardless. That consistency in being faithful to our commitments is truly a powerful thing.

#2: Integrity

In a similar vein, integrity carries with it a high personal cost. It goes a bit further than just being a man of your word. Will you follow through on what you have said and on your convictions even when no one else would know otherwise? When the doors are closed, when the lights are off, and when no one is paying attention, are you going to be the same man you are in all the other settings?

I talk to a lot of guys who have paid the price for their integrity. There can be a feeling that “nice guys finish last”, or that somehow doing the right thing reaps an empty reward. While it is certainly true that unethical and abrupt behaviour has had a great measure of success in our world (unfortunately), it is never success that can be truly enjoyed, nor does it last or leave as large a legacy as being a man of integrity does.

It was really ironic that halfway through writing this point after I got off the bus, I walked over to my car tonight to find it had been hit in a hit and run where it was parked. No note and no witnesses – an integrity fail. A lot of us know what it’s like to have people fail in their integrity in our lives. But how much greater is the reach and the influence of the men who stick to their guns when no one is watching.

#3: Chivalry

Some people keep saying chivalry is dead, but I beg to differ. Sure, it may be a bit more romanticized or considered abstracted from 21^st century living, but it’s still alive and well. Unfortunately I’ve heard people say that chivalry is dead while walking past a guy who is holding a door open for them, or who just let them go first. Wup wah.

I would describe chivalry as the complete belief in the idea of “women and children first”. This is a regular line used when talking about evacuating a boat or a city, but I believe that this is really just the true heart behind chivalrous action. It’s not about saying women are incapable of doing things for themselves, it’s merely having the attitude that I consider them better than myself, and worth the effort. It may look like holding a door open, standing for a lady on a crowded bus or train, or helping carry something that’s heavy, but I think the heart behind it is what makes it truly valuable.

It’s coming back, people, and in a lot of ways it never really left.

#4: Using his strength for others

There is an archetype in film known as the “gentle giant”. Usually a male, he’s the guy who has the physical prowess to murder entire cities, but underneath all of it he’s a big softy. Think of those Vikings in the movie Tangled, Dolph Lundgren’s character in The Expendables, or even the most popular hero from Guardians of the Galaxy, Groot.

There’s something endearing about someone who is so strong, but not using his strength merely for personal gain. He is capable of getting what he wants, but what he wants is to help others.

There is a strength in a lot of men that often goes unsung and unseen, but it is so valuable. It need not be necessarily physical – sometimes the great strength in a man is his ability to listen, to take on people’s concerns, to help find a means to an end, to not give up in the face of hopelessness or heartbreak. Broad shoulders to carry a lot, and not just in the physical sense.

Keep using your strength for others, brother. We need more men like you doing it.

#5: Lovingkindness

The book of Proverbs says that what is desirable in a man is his “lovingkindness”. Once again, an old fashioned term, but with a powerful meaning. The same word used in Hebrew to describe this phrase is the same word that is also used to describe God’s grace towards people. Talk about a tall order.

Men have a lot of love to give, and are often frustrated when they feel unable to demonstrate it, or that it is somehow undervalued. As a result, there is a temptation to limit or cut off the care that we show towards others.

This love is the unconditional kind. It’s the love that fully acknowledges who the other person is, and accepts them as they are. And this is definitely an underrated quality in the lives of men, and perhaps the most undervalued by ourselves.

Continue to be known as a man of love.

#6: Stability

I really respect the men in my world who are dependable. It doesn’t matter the season or what they’re going through – you know you can trust them and count on them to come through for you. Sure, they may have some ups and downs, but they have their gaze sent like flint on who they’re called to be and where they’re going.

I think the temptation for men is to give out on being constant when they feel like they are being overlooked or taken for granted. But I think the first person who often takes it for granted is us. We can sometimes hate the fact that we just do the right thing and stick by people, stick by our family, stick by our convictions. But there is great security available to those around us when we decide to continue to be that man of stability.

#7: Provision

I am always amazed at the level of provision that the men in my life have provided for others. I love that some men will just pay for a meal for someone without a second thought, or save their finances to help someone do something more long term in missions or charity. It’s more than financial too – the way that a man provides words of encouragement, good advice, stern warning and loving rebuke is also amazing. There are so many other things that men provide.

Don’t give out on your provision. It is a great gift of yours to be able to pour your life out for others, and so many people are blessed by it. Let’s never leave this aspect of our lives dragging or feeling undervalued. It is so valued, friend, and there’s so much more for you.

So take this as an encouragement, gents, that there are so many things about you that are actually valued and powerful. All of us are on a journey too, and there are definitely areas in these that we can all grow in and aspire to be. But let this one just be in tribute to the guys out there who are making a difference and not feeling like they are. To the men who do so much for others but sometimes feel small for doing so. I salute you tonight.

And to all the ladies who came along for the ride, I hope you are encouraged to let the men in your world know how much these things mean to you too.

What about you? What do you think of these qualities? Are there other qualities you would consider underrated?

Credit to walkingtheshoreline.com